Time

I called Perce, my fellow road-tripper, last night to catch up and reminisce about the good old days. I vividly remember the road trip when I think about it: the sights, the places, highs and lows, the food, quarrels, laughter, emotions. I remember being exhausted in Vegas, freezing to death in Yellowstone trying to keep warm under the Red Indian rugs that we bought on the way from Grand Canyon, the snow in high summer as we drove out of Yellowstone, I remember a fun fair at night, a Chinese emperor exhibition in a Chicago museum, my first ever oysters (yuum.. slurps) in Seattle, a funfair at night, walking along the boardwalk in Santa Cruz, walking along the streets at night in New Orleans, huge meals in Austin... despite the occasional quarrel, I remember above all the joy and euphoria of my dream coming true. My dream of a road trip, and not just any road trip, but the classic great American roadtrip! I can't thank Perce enough for making my dream come true. It's rare that someone has the ability and willingness to make another person's dream come true, and he did it for me. It's very very precious and that's an amazing thing, and something that I will always treasure.

I digress.

The point is, as I meandered around my 2004 memories, I feel keenly the distance of time, of 2007 and 2004. How different I am now from the way I was back then. The chasm is widened by the fact that I was a student then, right before embarking on an "adult" career path and working life. I am so much more tired, cynical, depressed, beaten than I was back then: my precious shiny 22-year old self brimming with energy and hopes (although even my A1s, who have known me for about 2 months have concluded that I am: 1) an extremist, 2) have a more chronic form of ADD, 3) am very high energy/nervous/weird, so.. maybe the change is in my head?). But certainly, 2004 feels very far away, and it seems that time has fled too quickly.

And it hits me, I am running out of time to spend with my parents. My precious 25 days of holidays a year, that I am so stingy with... even if I spent it all with my parents, is not enough. My dad is.. 68, 69? And my mom is turning (has turned?) 65. My paternal grandmother just passed away this summer, so I know how quickly old people (and I am afraid that my parents, despite being still a bit of my invincible heroes and bedrocks of my life, would soon fall into this category) deteriorate physically, in their health. And besides, I'm supposed to have a livespan of 73 years... and that's too close to where my dad is now for comfort.

Should I not bother waiting for my right to remain and my passport? Should I return home? But then... what of life after? I will be miserable for the rest of my life. And yet.. my parents gave me life (not literally) and we're bound by an invisible, unbreakable string, and they need me... and perhaps too, me them. I know for sure, that knowing that my parents are there for me, that they love me unconditionally, that no matter what happens, I have two people in this big bad world who care for me and love me.... that is my Tiffany's. That is what calms me down right away, during my dark crazy moments. It is the light that leads me out of my own darkness. Despite not spending much time with them, knowing that they are somewhere in this world anchors my horizons.

And time is running out for my parents and me.

season of love

It's the season of love and marriage.

Today, I received news of three engagements: 1) of a girl in M&A (from my class) who got engaged to a senior in the same team (at least 4 years apart in rank), 2) an old friend of mine from A level days, 3) another girl from my team who has been with her boyfriend for 9 years.

I'm reaching the age where, one by one, the people around me are getting engaged and married. It began with one drop (SW marrying in Nov 2006), then a trickle (the announcement of colleagues CL and TK's engagement and the former's wedding and now imminent baby girl. and among friends, of LT's engagement - wedding date: Dec 2008, then QT's - wedding date: indeterminate, likely to be year end 2009). Then comes the flood: three in a day! I can see the potential tidal wave of engagements threatening to crash and break on the shore too: ZT/YX, XM/KF, YP/M, CK/F, KL/JK, M/M, HV/JM(?)!

Hmm... I might have to fortify myself against feeling the pressure and getting stressed.

I was, am, very happy about the news of the engagements today. Particularly the one of my old A levels friend. This was her first love. And it seems like only among Singaporeans (well, and some of my Malaysians do you see first loves getting married and settling down with their 2.4 kids. I still remember her, being all tomboy and somewhat grumpy. Discontented and convinced that she would never marry. Most boys like the soft, frail, fragile girls. How could she compete against the masses of high pony-tailed, super skinny, feminine, be-skirted girls? But now she's found love and evidently the faith to take that happily-ever-after leap (and become skinny, more feminine and be-skirted along the way, although still grumpy), and I am truly very excited for her. I can't wait for the big white wedding, or the East Coast Park barbeque, whatever rocks her boat. As long as I see the happy couple and (better still) kids!

I'm also happy for my team mate, to finally have a happy ending to her 9 year-marathon high-school sweetheart saga.

But it was the first engagement of the day which completely floored me. I was shell-shocked. I don't know the girl particularly well, nor the guy. But they seem so different. I can't imagine them together. And more shocking - they are in the same team, and he's senior to her, a VP to her analyst! (did they work together?) apparently they had been going out for only 9 months.

It is almost scandalous. How did they make it work? How does such a love affair start, when you're both in the same team, with a superior-subordinate relationship? And yet, it's sweet. They managed to find a way to make it work. They took the risk, because they thought it was worth it.

And it felt like a punch to the stomach, a slap to the face, the splitting of the earth beneath my feet: that Cavé wasn't willing to take that step for me. Because he wasn't in love with me, because we were colleagues, in the same team (although we are in the same level and therefore not even scandalous) and he didn't want to go through that kind of pain again. He just wasn't that into me. He just doesn't care. He didn't want to take the risk. And it hurts. The full impact of the harsh reality never really hit me until today. People do risk it when it matters enough.

Heaven hath no wrath like love to hate turned, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

That's the kind of financially-focussed that is bad, I told him, when the email about the 25 year old girl's hunt for a US$500k man on Craig's list circulated around. That's the kind of financially-focussed that is bad, not my kind, where I'm choosing to work very hard and make difficult sacrifices to earn my own living, so I can be financially independent, and be a contributing productive member of a partnership if and when I find a boy and enter into a relationship. How can I like a boy who cannot be supportive of my choice? Who would rather prefer a financial leech (dependent) than a financially-focussed (his translation: greedy) female banker. The blanket categorisation hurts. He cannot make an exception.. despite having known me for 3 years, he doesn't See me. He doesn't see me the individual, the girl, just me under the category of mercenary female banker.

When I told him of that third engagement, of the other girl in my year, and also my team. He was like: really? What about you? You're in dangerous territory... you're getting old. I responded: it's your turn first You're older. I'm still very young and have lots of time. Besides, you have some one, a prospect. I have no one, so no worries for me there.

anyway.. it's time for bed. if and when the time for love comes, i'll probably be grumpy, moody, depressed, and crying over other stuff anyway.

tempus fugit

It's funny how quickly things change: moods, situations, outlooks... life is constantly in flux. Yet the substance seems to remain broadly the same. Until one day, you wake up, and realise that you have gone through an entire cycle of renewal, without having noticed it. And ten months of another year have passed. Another year has come and almost gone. You have reached that quarter of a century milestone, and time is racing on, while your life is standing still, bemused by the wider world, the choices, the available paths

Periodic update

I've not been very productive on the writing front recently, with work taking a surprisingly large proportion of my waking hours, and lots of exhausting work-travel (getting into the country at 3-4am, then waking up for a 9am start), and the rest of my time spent either unwinding, going out, recuperating, and trying (still unsuccessfully) to put my room into a shape that resembles a little less the chaos of a battleground.

All there is to report is that my life is generally smooth, and I am still generally content, even if I have forgotten the feelings of elation and joy.

Work is a little bit more interesting given that I am working with different people - both on a senior level, as well as a junior level. And I find that my crazy nesting instincts have manifested themselves in very strongly maternal protective feelings towards my two A1 "kids".

French has started again, with rather less fun classmates.

And apart from one of my housemates who has left the home, most of my other friends it seems, have returned home, from rotations, summer breaks, travels.

On my end, I am looking forward to travelling again. The plan is Africa in December. A week in Mauritius at a friend's (and diving!!) and a week elsewhere (location: to be determined - was thinking madagascar before receiving health warnings, or maybe South Africa?). And am also trying to sort out a diving trip to substitue my upended planned diving trip to Egypt in early November.

Work-wise, I had an interview the other day, which I thought I did alright in. I was very natural and enjoyed myself. I really rather liked the two interviewers, who seemed to like me as well. And it was with one of the companies that I would actually like to work for. - With time and with less desperation, I am discovering more about what I like and dislike. Because I am relatively happy with my job at the moment, my job search is more focused on what I would actually like rather than a blanket anything-but-here, which was the situation I was in for most of this year.

Oh.. and last but not least... I discovered smile creases (WRINKLES!!!) under my eyes the other day and panicked. Have determined (tongue-in-cheek of course) that I will never smile again. Nor express emotions facially. :) Eeeps... I am getting old and it is scaring the bejesus out of me...

Jusqu'a un autre fois, bonne nuit, mon cher monde....